Last night i hosted a birthday dinner to four of my friends…it felt good. One remarked that she never experienced such an act.
After the dinner we went chilling out in a bar. It was a huge group.Suddenly there was an instant shift on my emotions. I suddenly felt i am not wanted and i don’t belong. I pretended to feel okay but my friends noticed that i suddenly turned cold.
We continued the celebration at home and i feel not to connect. I retreated to my room to find comfort.. But the other side of me still wants to engage with the group,…as i joined them i felt out of place again…i felt they were exchanging private cues on which i am not part of. I decided again to retreat into my room…i was battling with emotions…then i realized i am still holding on with so much insecurity. I cannot let things flow naturally because i am not authentic with my self…
I realized that the authentic me :
– should stop protecting myself with people and to be dependent on them on my happiness which can be costly and temporary.
– should face my fear that i am not beautiful inside out. That i can get people’s attention by buying them dinner, offering jobs, gifting them with fancy materials things or hosting them activities.
– should shift my perspective that i can be a mother or father to a dysfunctional person. That i can turn that mode of connecting into a romantic relationship.
– should free myself from carrying the reponsibility of providing the needs, pay all the time when i am with my friends.
– is able to firmly say NO and not underpromise or overpromise for the fear of losing that person.
– should believe and appreciate my God given talents, count my blessings and believe that i can finish whatever i have started and to let my fears that it will not succeed.
– should LOVE myself more to ENJOY life more.
– should never be afraid to be alone.